I wish that I had more pictures of you but just like this picture shows, you preferred to be on the other side of the camera. 

I used to tease that you worked for the CIA because you never wanted your picture taken. Although, I will mention that I did manage to get you on my website. I’m pretty sure I locked the door and made you stay for the class once you saw the photographer. 

I was drawn to this picture specifically because it reflects where I am in regards to my feelings/thoughts about my life without you. It’s a little blurry, it’s a little fuzzy, some of the colors run together. I can’t quite make out your face, as hard as I try and there is a mystery in the air. I can’t tell if I’m in a dream or not. But through it all I can still capture your beauty, your spirit, and your zest for life.

I try to process my feelings and I sometimes wonder if you were ever really real, or if it was all just a dream, or perhaps you were a figment of my imagination. I often come to the conclusion and feel quite certain that you were an angel that walked among us. 

I try not to be sad because I know you wouldn’t want that. You always had a way of cheering me up. No matter what I said, or how seemingly bad a situation was, you would always come back with some extremely witty comment to make me laugh and show me the positive side of the things.

You were my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, and one of the very best friends I’ve ever had. 

You showed me unconditional love and more laughter than should be allowed in a lifetime. 

I still catch glimpses of you walking around downtown with your headphones in or walking into my yoga studio and again I’m confused as to was it ever really real? 

When we first met I was intimidated by the fact that you were a Harvard law graduate. I would introduce you as my “really smart friend”. I actually wondered why you hung out with me. What did I have to offer? I would watch my grammar and specifically my potty mouth. I would try extra hard not to curse around you. At some point I let all of that go. I knew you loved me for who I was. Potty mouth included. You showed me unconditional love without any judgment or criticism. I never heard you say one thing to me that was unkind in anyway. You were purely my friend and I felt loved by you. 

It’s been close to a year since we lost you. I say we because I know I’m not the only one missing you. What a year you’ve missed. The world fell apart without you by the way. 

I can’t make any more sense of the world we live in today than I can make of you leaving this world. Although as I write this, the connection between the two does make sense. 

I try not to be sad because I know you wouldn’t want that. 11 months later and I still fight tears just to say your name or look at a picture. There are nights I still cry myself to sleep. On a positive note, anytime I think of you, the tears come, but my tears always turn into laughter and then my laughter turns back into tears. As much as I recognize the pain and try to sit with the grief I am also aware and move into acceptance. 

I would rather have had my short time with you then no time at all. I would rather go through the pain of losing you than a life without ever having known you. You were my friend and that is the greatest gift of all. You were a bright light in my life that brought so much joy. I am actually the lucky one. 

And so today, on your birthday, I will try not to be sad. I will wake up and drink coffee with you, as we always did. I will put cardamom in it because that’s what you told me to do. I still drink bulletproof coffee because you said it’s the best. 

When you first found out you were sick, you asked me tons of health questions thinking I was the “healthiest” person you knew. Well, I quickly became the student and you became the teacher. 

I used to joke with you that I was going to get a bracelet that read, WWHD, (what would Heidi do) instead of the old WWJD bracelets. 

Every time I had a health question I would text you and say “paging Dr Sullivan”

You used to call me your guru, but really, you were mine. 

And so today, on your birthday, I will listen to Tina Turner all day and I will practice backbends and handstands because I know they were your favorite.

I will hopefully see your sister for lunch because God has blessed me with knowing your two sisters and your friend Jane. I have clung to them like a life raft because they are the next best thing to you. 

I have two old phones that I can’t bring myself to get rid of because they hold years worth if texts, voice memos, videos, and pictures. 

Bonnie told me that when we lose a loved one, the level of pain we feel is equivalent to the amount of love that was shared. That feels right and explains why it still hurts so much. 

And just like that as the sadness comes I circle back to the positive because I know that’s what you would want. 

I know you are in a better place. I know you are doing backbends all day and throwing cherry pits at people, laughing the entire way through. And so in complete Sagittarius fashion, I will end by saying, Cheers to you, my Angel, and Happy Birthday.